GlitterGirl Isaacs'
I'm Riding to Change my Life while Helping End AIDS
When I was 22 years old, I graduated from college. I was a fairly miserable person at the time -- I hated my life, my family and most of all, myself.
As I came home from a shopping excursion to buy clothes to wear for interviews for my new ventures into corporate America, I discovered just how big I was. I was directed by a very helpful sales person to a store for Plus Sizes. Plus Sizes? How the hell did I wake up one day and find I had gained 144 pounds and was nearly 300 pounds? I had gained a person sleeping in my body in 22 months.
I woke up when I walked up the stairs with the bag of clothes and was huffing and puffing at the top of it. As I put my key into the lock, I knew I would be dead by the time I was 30 if I didn't make some massive changes.
I know it sounds unbelievable... I often cry, wondering how it happened and how I can prevent it from happening again. All the same, I've clearly made many changes, and, in total, I am, at my current weight, 130+ pounds lighter than I was at my heaviest.
In 2008 I will be 39 years old. Before I turn 40, I want to do a crazy physical challenge... Something to really prove to myself I have done the work, I have really changed, and I will never be that half asleep fat girl walking around without a clue I am even overweight.
Meanwhile, over the recent years I have been deeply impacted by HIV and AIDS, having known several people who are positive. In 2007, a dear friend was diagnosed positive with AIDS and that experience left me in a state of disbelief of the frailty of life.
Combine these factors together and 2008 has me signed up for the Aids LifeCycle ride. For those who do not know about this event, From June 1-7, 2008, I'm bicycling in AIDS/LifeCycle. It's a 7-day, 545-mile bike ride from San Francisco to Los Angeles to make a world of difference in the lives of people living with HIV and AIDS. Those who ride in the event are supported by a group of Roadies who set up rest areas, food stops and do all sorts of wonderful things to support the 3,000 riders participating in this event. I first heard about this ride from my dear friend and Director of Poi Instruction for my school, Temple of Poi, Jim Rudoff. He has been on the support team for this ride for years.
My personal goal is to raise $10,000 for the cause -- any donation helps... even $5 or $10. Please consider giving what you can to both support me in my personal transformation as well as helping me support the HIV/AIDS-related services of the L.A. Gay & Lesbian Center.
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GlitterGirl's latest blog entry:
Saturday, Jun 7, 2008 
Then (December, 1991) and Now (January 1, 2008)
GlitterGirl's Goal: $10,000.00
Current Total: $3,524.00 |
GlitterGirl's LinksL.A. Gay & Lesbian Center
San Francisco AIDS Foundation
Experience AIDS/LifeCycle 2007
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GlitterGirl's BlogSaturday, June 7, 20088:54 PMthe finishMost of my life i have been at the front of the pack in everything i do. what a radically different experience to be at the end of the pack... perhaps the 20th rider to the end. pulling into the VA center in LA i screamed with joy like i never have before... high fives to riders as i passed them and they congratulated me... tears of joy, relief, pride... pain... release... so much emotion. i did not think i could do it. that's a rare experience for me. so glad to have done what i did and gotten where i did. i sat under a tree and cried for a while... glad to be done. too wiped out to deal with closing ceremonies, i simply wanted to be in Atreyu's arms. we finally connected... a beautiful reunion. so grateful to have him in my life and by my side. slipping away as the riders went into closing ceremonies, i found myself grateful to leave when i did. pretty much the only place on my body not sore were my ears and elbows. my face was wind chapped and sunburned. my eyes burning -- from the sun, the sunblock, the crying. my legs, ass, arms, back, and stomach muscles worn out and used. my crotch and ass chaffed beyond belief. and, i'd do it again. Permalink | Share this posting : Care2 News | del.icio.us | digg | NewsVine | Reddit | YahooMyWeb 2:41 PMday 7: will over skill indeed!at 65 miles, todays ride seems... in a surprising shift in perspective, short. i am, however, struggling to get out of bed again because we have to be out even earlier today as everything closes earlier. once again, the caboose is chasing me. i'm struggling at the beginning of the ride... the first 4 miles i'm sluggish, at best. i move along, doing my best... and then suddenly i catch up to a pack of folks who are stopped at a light. slowing down enough to catch the light without having to stop, i whiz out and then i just try to keep up. for a few miles i'm riding 18-20 MPH with the pack, but i realize with my quad being where it is at, i need to take a breather. 10 miles left on the 20 mile leg... i get back on the bike and ride hard. my shifter is still not working right... i need to tech my bike at the rest stop, so i pull in and go straight to the techs. they spend 20 minutes trying to adjust it... i ride out, caboose still right behind me. I ride a good ways, stopping... the shifter finally seems to be mostly working (except the obnoxious sound it makes)... but my quad it not. i'm hot. i'm tired. i look down and see i've put in 31 miles and i think about how lame that is. ha! i came into this riding having only done *one* ride over 30 miles and now i think only 30 miles is lame. what a perspective shift. but i realize if i sweep to lunch i can ice, roll, rest and then finish the last 18 mile leg. i mean, it is only 18 miles. so i sweep. i call Atreyu who is only miles from me... i want to see him ... and he encourages me to ride on and finish. there are hills this afternoon... i'm not sure i can do them. really. i already feel beyond my capabilities. i wait until nearly the last minute, resting, icing, relaxing and rolling my leg as much as possible before heading out. And i give it all i have to give. then we have to get off the bike and carry it down a stairs through a tunnel and back up. egads, i didn't know how much you used your quad when walking down a stair. wow. how painful... it's all up hill on the other side. i ride as hard as i can manage... because anything less seems to not get me up the hills. i pull over a few times and walk the bike. there's only one big hill left. other riders are encouraging me -- they can see the wear and tear on my body, being, soul... the tears in my eyes... it is only a few miles, but oh how far that seems after all this work. i take a rest under a tree... i slug another energy goo... knowing it's only 3.5 miles to the end. i ride out... hit a small downhill and i use it to my advantage... pedal at hard as a i can and pass riders on the uphill. as i'm yelling, "on your left, on your left, on your left..." the riders yell back at me, "Take it girl!" and "go for it..." encouraging me. and finally, the last hill... i'm passing, and i'm about 4 car lengths from the top and as i downshift, my chain drops again. my god, what a crappy time for that to happen. A beautiful woman who 15 minutes ago encouraged me stops to help. another woman drops her chain... we make it up the 4 car lengths of hill and there it is... the finish in site. Permalink | Share this posting : Care2 News | del.icio.us | digg | NewsVine | Reddit | YahooMyWeb Friday, June 6, 20089:28 PMday 6: i'm too tired to get up.Liz is sick, i'm not feeling too well and getting out of bed simply seems impossible. i send Liz off -- since she is sick and will SAG out for the day -- telling her i will deal with the tent and everything. I try to fall back to sleep, but really, after tossing and turning, can't manage it. I slowly work my way out of the tent... stretching, putting in my ipod, and deal with my resistance to getting up. I had made a deal with myself -- i would just get on the bike and ride each day, even if i stopped. after having put in three 40+ mile rides back to back, i wondered what i could possibly do today. downing two carb boom's before breakfast -- with mostly sugar and 2 cups of coffee worth of caffeine, i finally get myself out of camp at about 8:05. Ug. it's a relatively short day, at 85.5 miles to ventura. As is often the case, the day starts with a climb. The caboose is chasing me again and i'm 4 miles out from rest stop 1. while i'm riding it all and it's all uphill, i am pretty slow and stopping frequently. a sweep vehicle tells me they can sweep me in, which, undoubtedly, will help me get caught up. so... i get into the sweep vehicle, determined to finish a second day on this ride. Out of rest stop one it's all up hill for a short bit. i top the peak and hit the downhill, which soon finds me on 101. egads! this 101 stuff is scary. i mean, it's a highway and while i'm on the shoulder of the road, when trucks go by the vacuum created really does impact the car. combine that with cross winds and it is a crazy experience. At one point, i have the dubious honor of experiencing both the cross wind and an 18 wheeler. oh boy. After about 20 miles of highway, i find myself finally getting used to it. alas, though, we exit. i barely make it into lunch where i roll out on the rollers (these are foam rollers which is like giving yourself a massage, only a lot more painful and a lot less specific) and stuff my lunch in my backpack. I haven't eaten enough as i start out on this leg and the heat is finally impacting me so that i, for the first time while riding, take off my long sleeves and strip down to sleeveless. my bike is still giving me problems when i shift, which keeps causing pain in my quad. After the 3rd dropped chain (chain coming off the gears) and 50% shifts where the gear won't drop to the lowest (easiest) granny wheel, i get in a sweep vehicle to go to the Techs at rest stop three. I pull in and get them to look at it (again -- the derailer's been checked a bunch before now and still it isn't working right) and then ride out. it's seems better on the down shift -- so much so that now it drops from the highest wheel (hardest) to the lowest wheel (easiest) and skips the middle. I guess that's better than not ever getting into the lowest. paradise island -- the ice cream stop. yum. so glad b/c lunch was yukky and i'm low fuel. oh wow. i broke 50 miles... i think i might do my longest ride ever today! but again, the caboose is on my ass. the water stop... pass it but it's closed... another 15 miles to camp and i've already put on 57 miles. i have to try to break my record... i ride on... making it to rest stop 4. yeah! first time to rest stop 4; first time breaking 60 miles; longest ride ever so far at 65 miles -- before the adjustments for the incorrect odometer. yeeeehaw! inspired, i ride on. but boy was that last stretch the longest ever. i'm tired. even though it's pretty much all flat, i am beyond what i thought i was capable of, pedaling truly, will won out over skill. pulling into the beach, the route was probably already closed. there were maybe 3 riders behind me... but i made it in... my longest ride at ~73 miles. i'm spent. smelly. hungry. in pain. i head to sports med -- they are closed. shit. not good. but Cha -- goddess and healer that she is -- takes me anyway. she retapes me. then tells me to eat. i eat and it's dark before i head to the showers. shower time, then sleep. so tired. last day tomorrow. Permalink | Share this posting : Care2 News | del.icio.us | digg | NewsVine | Reddit | YahooMyWeb Thursday, June 5, 20088:18 PMday 5: red dress dayUndoubtedly, this is the easiest day of the ride from the perspective of duration. at 42.5 miles, the route closes at 3 (unlike most other days when it closes at 7) and ends in Lompoc where people can take the bus into town. on this day, everyone is encouraged to wear red so that when the switch backs get hit about half way through the ride, the riders dotting the edge of the road look like the AIDS ribbon on a mountain. to say it is a beautiful sight belies the glory of it, in truth... i walked a good bit of the steeper part of the incline, still favoring the quad which, while better and taped in a way that really is helping, still is not 100%. That said, I rode all the way today. Riding into camp for the first time i found a spot in the shade and called Atreyu and cried and shared my joy and relief. another ride over 40 miles. Wow. shocked i did that. but it took more out of me than i thought it would, and even though i was in early and Liz had set up the tent, i was tired and wanted to rest. it was, however, talent show night and i was scheduled to go on at what turned out to be 9:30. Egads, that is very late when you have to be up at 5 am and you're tired and can't sleep well. My toes were frozen for it, but it was a fun set all the same... i rather enjoyed the experience... before crawling into bed and trying to sleep. Permalink | Share this posting : Care2 News | del.icio.us | digg | NewsVine | Reddit | YahooMyWeb Wednesday, June 4, 20087:19 PMday 4: the agony of defeat, the thrill of victoryafter getting rubbed out on day two and taped up on day 3 and riding 42 miles the day before, i thought i'd be okay today. but not so much. after about 4 miles of very shallow up hill, my left quad was in agony. beyond belief. on a pain scale it was probably a solid 8 on a scale of 1 to 10, so i found myself on the side of the road crying in pain, waiting for the sweep vehicle to come by and pick me up and take me to the next rest stop, or rather, the first rest stop. another rider, clearly not okay with leaving me alone on the side of the road crying, stayed with me until the truck came. Pulling into the rest stop 20 minutes later, i iced myself up, put on the biofreeze and considered what to do. with "the evil twins" ahead followed by mostly flats along the cost, in the afternoon, i wanted to go on. Plus, the twins represented the half way point in the ride -- and it seemed that would be good for my mind at least. but there were 23 miles between this rest stop and the next and only 2 hours to make it with those two nasty climbs. the decent off the second twin, i was told, was something like the decent coming over 92 on the first day which was a 7% grade and kind of scary. and this one i was told had more cross winds. But i really wanted to enjoy the second half of the day... so... i pulled it together and headed out of the rest stop with only 2 riders behind me and the caboose (this is the vehicle that follows the last rider to make sure everyone pulls into camp at night) hot on my trail. I walked the first climb, talking to Jo (yet another wonderful woman who really made the experience seem so much easier) who got out of the caboose to keep me company. we shared stories... i told her almost immediately about why i was riding... for my friend who was diagnosed HIV+ and then 20 days later in the hospital on what we thought might be her death bed. Jo shared her nightmare -- one i've also had -- of waking up one day to find myself infected. It was clear that this ride, as much of a personal challenge as it may be, really creates so much more in the numbers of people who see us out there and the education that arises from it. as i went and when i hit the peak, Jo encouraged me to ride it, and ride it hard i did, going as far as i could before my quad gave out. i passed a few riders, so i was no longer last, but then i hit the second twin and they passed me right up. as i was nearing the peak, i figured i'd ride over the top... Just as i was gaining momentum, up ahead i saw one of the most beautiful sights of the ride. this woman, who was struggling to ride, was being pushed on either side of her by two other riders on the Midnight Ridazz team. it was so beautiful i didn't even try to pass, thinking if i did i would break their momentum. i knew i could start again, but i really wasn't sure if she could... so i got off my bike, walked and waited till they past the peak before getting on again. And then the big downhill. wow! intense. beautiful. 6% grade, scary stuff at 30 MPH... again confronting my fears of the downhill as well as the cliffs on the sides... and cross wind gusts picking up here and there... geez... what a scary thing. I continued along, going through a few rollers and then i hit the flat at the bottom where there was a cross wind so intense i actually kept getting blow into the lane. with the caboose hot on my ass, i got off the bike and got swept up into the next rest stop. it was closing. quick pee and water refill plus a super fast snack and boom, on the road again for one of the most beautiful legs of the trip along the coast. I was surprised i'd made it this far, and with only 6.1 miles to rest stop three, i decided to try and meet up with Jim and Frankie again. My first scary moment of the day was with the cross winds, but that pales in comparison to the treachery of the car who mistakenly got in the on ramp lane to our right and wanted into our lane, somehow not really seeing a string of bicyclists i guess. There were probably about 18 of us in the pack... all but 4 of us pulled out in a line, but the person 4 up from me didn't pull out with confidence and the BMW just started going. I was glad i had extra space between me and the rider in front of me because it was everyone stopping quickly with no time to call out. I met up with the riders at rest stop 3 and assured them it wasn't their fault -- i'd seen it all well since i was at the back of the pack. the drive just wasn't yielding the right of way to us as s/he should have. having broken yesterday's record for the 2nd longest ride i'd done, pulling in a cool 47 miles, i decided to head in on the SAG bus and give the quad a break. with three more days of riding, i wanted to save up for day 5 and actually complete a day, since it was the shortest ride of the trip. Pulling into camp, i went back to see Cha and got more taping, then met up with the Mills (former students from years ago) and had a great conversation with them as we rolled ourselves out. shower, conversation with Atreyu and bed... ready for red dress day! Permalink | Share this posting : Care2 News | del.icio.us | digg | NewsVine | Reddit | YahooMyWeb Tuesday, June 3, 20088:41 PMday 3: quad buster: The best of my ability in this momentToday started out strong. i became a bicyclist in the first leg of the day, for the first time really feeling the cadence of the pedals and understanding a rhythm. i passed a lot of people on the ride to the first rest stop and rode out really strong. it felt good after two days of riding so little. the first 8 miles was great. but alas, the next leg was the actual quad buster... a long steep hill that just seems to be endless. No worries... i rode out from the first rest stop and headed up the hill. too steep for me with my pained quad, i decided to simply walk what i needed to. they call those of us walking up the hill "cross trainers" -- and really, it's good because there's a lot more use of the hamstring walking the bike up the hill than the overuse of the quad riding up the hill. I stopped along the way, under a tree and had one of my coolest moments of the ride. sipping some water, a rider was pulling up with literally hundreds more behind... I called out to the rider -- "good job! you can do it!" and the rider, while exerting a lot of effort, gave me a half smile. so i cheered on another rider... and that rider responded, and suddenly i found myself in this feedback loop where i was cheering riders on -- hundreds of them, literally -- and they were grateful for it. I started saying anything i could think of to inspire them... "yes you can!" and "Good job!" and "looking strong" and "you can do it" and then, before i knew it, i was yelling to them, saying, "you are doing an amazing thing right now! thank you for inspiring me!" and i found myself tearfully cheering them on. they returned the favor as i was cross training up the hill, passing me and encouraging me back. One of the Schwab team members -- this is a group of people who rode the hill 5 times to inspire others each time as they went up -- had passed me a few times. and as he was going by, i said, "go rider! you are doing it!" and he turned to me and said, "so are you!" and i said, "to the best of my ability in this moment" and he said, "that is all you can ever do..." That moment was one of the most inspiring moments of my life and reminded me of what life is really about: the best of my ability in each moment. == the downhill was pretty sweet. i think the sweetest of the ride, actually. zipping down without winds at 30+ MPH passing people, feeling good and finally getting some miles on my legs, i felt good pulling into the second rest stop. next it was rest stop three. I hadn't made it there yet... that morning, Jim/Sparky had sent me a text message telling me it was within reach that day... and, well, i found myself finally making it to rest stop 3, i got to see Sparky and Frankie for the first time on the route. I hung out with them way too long though and was soon finding the rest stop closing and again, the caboose on my ass. So i rode on... my quad still in pain. Rode on 101 for the first time, for just a short mile or so... and then I rode into bradley where i completed my second longest ride and allowed myself to get taken in for the day on the SAG bus. 42 miles of riding... on a bad quad. good feeling about that, for sure. Bradley is a small town of about 500, at least i think that is what the sign said. Each year, they do a BBQ and host the ALC riders where the funds they raise from what we pay for food -- optionally of course -- is used to fund the kids of their community going to college and on excursions to enrich their lives. hard not to be touched by the experience. at lunch i went to sports medicine where they said i should see Cha, a kinesio taper, who would tape my leg to assist in supporting the muscles that needed help. with that in mind, i got on the SAG bus where i met Bobby, a man who served in the military in the early 90's. When he came back from overseas, he was later diagnosed with a brain tumor -- chemical warfare poisoning is the though. The man has a lemon size tumor in his head and is on 26 different medications and is riding the ALC. It is impossible to not be inspired by that dedication. We had a great conversation and wonderful connection and i have to say, that simply led to perspective shift. Pulling into the Mid State fair grounds, it was lovely weather. Off to sports med where i went to see Cha, an amazing healer from Austin, Tx. it turns out i had just met her daughter at Sparky's rest stop. small world. The taping relieved the pain. off to the showers, some poi in the line, cool conversations, stretching, dinner, sleep... preparation for the next day. Ah, the evil twins on a long day. egads... I also discovered today that my odometer is off by about .5 miles per 10 miles of travel... meaning if it said i travelled 10, i actually travelled 10.5. that means i've done more miles than i think. i'll adjust that at the end.
Permalink | Share this posting : Care2 News | del.icio.us | digg | NewsVine | Reddit | YahooMyWeb 7:12 AMday 3 rideoutleg feels betterish. With only 43 miles total on my bike I'm ready to try the infamous quadbusters hill. Up early, out just after 7. We shall see. Today I want to make rest stop 3 where jim and frank and franks mom are. It is only 31 miles out but after the 1000 foot assent... Permalink | Share this posting : Care2 News | del.icio.us | digg | NewsVine | Reddit | YahooMyWeb 4:30 AMday 2 part 2jeremey and I drop into deep conversation and I finally feel a sense of belonging in thisassive moving city. Intense. We go to dinner and I take my first mead with friends. I meet other friends of his and hear Moks story - hit by a car ilona a training ride two weeks earner. What?!? And you walked away? And your here? See Boston. Hugs. Announcements. Stories. Tears. How we are making a difference. $500 from a coffee shop in route. $3.42 donated by a group of strawberry pickers. Touching. More tears. And then I see frankie and jim and spend. Embracing Jim and sobbing in his arms I realize why he does this and I hold him with so Manu emotions within me. Joy, understanding, compassion, gratitude, love, and a sense of family from one of my dearest friends. After giving him the week off for 4 years to do this, I can no longer see it as a scheduling inconvenience; it is so much more than I could ever understand before being here. Mark said it to me years ago that nothing binds people together like the shared experience of an ordeal. So true. Permalink | Share this posting : Care2 News | del.icio.us | digg | NewsVine | Reddit | YahooMyWeb Monday, June 2, 20085:39 PMday 2 part 1left quad a mess; so tight after only 20 miles of relatively easy. Sweep to rest stop 1 where medical says to stop for the day, that my IT bandis screwed up. I guess they figures I didnt know the difference between my quad and IT band. They SAG (support and gear) (the folks that take u back to camp not the sweep people who take u to the next rest area) me first to lunch. My second encounter representing the antithesis of the event where I get judges harshly by some (what can best be decribed as) "queeny" guy ad his friends who were bitching shot how big the ride was before they turned their judgement to me. Annoyed and befuddled, I return to the SAG bus where I proceed to have a series of amazing experiences - laughter, shared stories, meeting cheryl (a police seargent from Florida whose spirit moved me), and countless interactions with people that reminded me of the greater good of the experence. Beutiful people all touched by the spread of the completely preventable disease. People committed to prevention and education. People willing to rode so thousands, 10's of thousands, if not millions after all the press, hear about the disease so they can talk about it before it spreads. This is a preventable situation and silence is the enemy. Getting into camp it is really clear to me the reap heroes are the roadies who work their asses off to serve the riders so the riders can make a visual statement in their profound numbers riding these 545 miles. Sports medicine treats me where Jo, the captain of the team, clearly a leader, holds space, works on me, multitasks, and leads with clear competence I can actually relax. I don't often feel like I can relax when I am paying for regular services so what a treat that is. I walk out with a leg which is finally less contracted and a bit bruised and sore. But better.
Permalink | Share this posting : Care2 News | del.icio.us | digg | NewsVine | Reddit | YahooMyWeb 8:30 AMopening ceremonies, night 1, morning day 211 hours of sleep in the cold, wet outdoors really helped! Condensation inside and out of our tent. Wet wet wet. Water dripping on me in the middle of the night. And waking feeling so much better, stronger in mind and body. Getting ready in camp, reminded at the pain I felt when the crowd boo'd at opening ceremonies for when the talked about even repulicans riding: how is that judgement any different than the stigma toward hiv+ people? Painful. Sooo grateful to have Ayreyu there to love me up and see me off. A powerful partner through whom I find more power. I think back to his words before I left. I told him this was a vision quest. He wished me a safe journey, hoping it illuminated things for me. Remembering the moment I saw the light, I was renewed leaving camp. Permalink | Share this posting : Care2 News | del.icio.us | digg | NewsVine | Reddit | YahooMyWeb Sunday, June 1, 20086:30 PMday 1first, no Internet in camp, so glad for my iPhone and this will be brief to save battery. Biggest hill I could imagine. I am not sure I have hiked something that steep going on 92 to highway 1... Walked a lot of the hill; first water stop 30 minutes before close; next stop leaving only 2 minutes before close; next stop I pull in after clocking my second longest ride to date at about 31 miles. My left quad tighter than I can believe. Need rest. 9 minutes to decide- ride or take the bus. Mom's voice rang clear - rest when you need to. Took the bus. Rather emotional with too little sleep and the both emotional and physical ups and downs of the day. Crying up the hill at mile 11; most amazing high I can describe hitting 30+ mph a few miles later; the head game of the ego as people pass; dealing with me fear of heights on the parts of the terrain with gulches/cliffs; supportive words as I pass others and others me; literally seeing the light coming around a turn to a most amazing view if nature as I had an all too fleeting moment of clarity: this is why I'm here to be on the challenge of the journey. Beautiful. Fleeting. ;) Out of resources, tired and run down. Bed at 6:30 pm. Sore left quad but my ass feels fine!
Permalink | Share this posting : Care2 News | del.icio.us | digg | NewsVine | Reddit | YahooMyWeb 3:53 AMholy toxin release batman! at least i slept last night. and, i'm still fighting some cold... sweating in my sleep and waking up to visit the toilet a lot. I hope that's all just a good sign! at least i feel strong... so glad this is starting. Permalink | Share this posting : Care2 News | del.icio.us | digg | NewsVine | Reddit | YahooMyWeb Saturday, May 31, 20084:07 PMcheck-in. 4.5 hours......lots of lines... wrist bands... tags... and unfortunate inefficiencies that really triggered me! LOL. a very receptive staff, open to feedback on how to improve. grateful for that. getting home to finish packing... up most of the night sick last night. my body knows the change is coming. so coming. upon me. 2.5 hours of sleep. want to be in bed by 6 pm tonight so i can get up early... have to be at the cow palace at 5 am. yikes. and then the love. such beautiful messages of support from my friends and family. reflections of me that i never knew were how people saw me. Mark... geez... i can't even possibly describe how beautiful your message was... not to diminish all the other messages... simply that his was, in a sense, most shocking. I cried. i feel blessed. challenged. on a vision quest. and, completely uncomfortable in my skin. this too shall pass... right Adam? Permalink | Share this posting : Care2 News | del.icio.us | digg | NewsVine | Reddit | YahooMyWeb Friday, May 30, 20085:56 PMLiz rocks!Liz and I had such a great conversation today. i know it will be really great to have her as my tent mate. I'm glad to have someone so positive that i can relate to. it felt good to know my nightmare won't come true! Permalink | Share this posting : Care2 News | del.icio.us | digg | NewsVine | Reddit | YahooMyWeb Thursday, May 29, 20087:01 PMIt's all Mom's faultMom sent me the coolest email today. i cried when i read it -- spontaneously bursting into tears because in all my 39 years, i have never felt so supported by my Mom as i did in that moment. Her email was so beautiful, including all the things you'd want your mom to say to you, especially the perfect reminders of exactly what i needed to read: Just a note to wish you well on your AIDS/Lifecycle ride. I’m sure you have trained as hard as you could given your busy schedule. You have undertaken a worthwhile challenge, and, as you always do with a challenge, I am sure you will give it your best. So, the reason I put this stuff up in the blog was so that Mom would have something to read when she got here on June 2. Thanks for reminding me that even though I am choosing to do this on my own with a group of strangers, i really am not alone and my family and friends are with me, if not in person, in thought, as i make this journey. I love you Mom. Permalink | Share this posting : Care2 News | del.icio.us | digg | NewsVine | Reddit | YahooMyWeb Monday, May 26, 20086:50 PMreconnecting, take IIBoston gave me some great support this morning. I'm glad he's also doing the ride. And, it was great to see Decker today. more reflection from someone who has known me for 7.5 years, having seen me through some of the most massive of changes i've made in my life... my name change, leaving my corporate job... and, as i told him about my new perspective and my willingness to be picked up and almost a resigned state of thinking i just was barely going to ride, he suggested (so brilliantly), that I allow myself to be surprised. I think for the first time since the 58 mile ride i saw it as possible that i might actually be able to do most of the ride. ah, hope returns. Permalink | Share this posting : Care2 News | del.icio.us | digg | NewsVine | Reddit | YahooMyWeb Sunday, May 25, 20087:15 PMreconnecting...I first found the Burning Man community through my old tribe, the Illuminaughty. I went to a party last night where i got to spend a lot of time with that group of people. it was interesting. i felt at home. it was good to see so many of my friends.. especially Dom who has known me 10 years -- longer than anyone in California. i think about the dozens of people i know and it was interesting to have them reflect me and my transformation. I had some interesting conversations with Geoff and Jim and Amy and Lisa and Jeff (not to mention dress up with Shana, Rikki and the other girls at Shana's place), and some great connection with Shannon. A lot of the conversation had me see how they have seen me grow. There's nothing like going back to your roots to see where you've been to help you realize how far you've come. It was an extraordinary experience and really reminded me that this journey is perfect, just as it is. Permalink | Share this posting : Care2 News | del.icio.us | digg | NewsVine | Reddit | YahooMyWeb Saturday, May 24, 20086:45 PMfinally picked up the bike and did a short ride. 3 miles. at least i was on the bike. Permalink | Share this posting : Care2 News | del.icio.us | digg | NewsVine | Reddit | YahooMyWeb 12:55 PMJim and FrankieJim is the person who told me about the ride first -- he had to take time off from the Temple to go on the Ride. His partner Frankie's birthday was this weekend. I got to speak to Frankie today and it was really interesting to hear how certain he is i can do the ride. He was so supportive. i love that about him. Permalink | Share this posting : Care2 News | del.icio.us | digg | NewsVine | Reddit | YahooMyWeb Friday, May 23, 200810:23 PMI don't want to do this!resistance. wow. i spent the day crying, avoiding picking up the bike. at some point though, i relaxed into the experience and changed my perspective. instead of wanting to ride a certain amount, i decided the entire exploration was really about being with and in my body, giving myself 1 full week of time to simply focus on being on an exploration with total strangers and no computer to rely on so i could step into the unknown and face the demons of my inner self. my new goal is to not have a goal in terms of miles (even though i had said after the 58 miles last week that i would be happy with 250 miles) and just be in my body, be okay with being picked up by the support van, and just listening to the communication from my body while compassionately loving myself through the process. wow. a big shift for me and something i've never done. that said, i'm clear that endurance training and weight loss, given my current knowledge about nutrition, is not compatible for me. So, i have a new goal. on June 11 when i'm back from the ride i am going to start the Body for Life challenge. my outrageous goal is to lose 40 pounds... my realistic and still incredibly challenging goal is to lose 30 pounds and 15% body fat. i think those numbers can win. i could use the prize money! Atreyu is away... i hope he'll support me. Permalink | Share this posting : Care2 News | del.icio.us | digg | NewsVine | Reddit | YahooMyWeb Monday, May 19, 200810:09 AMHmmm... i wonder how to check if i did the right thing with the flat?glad i have a tune up on tuesday and the brakes being installed! Permalink | Share this posting : Care2 News | del.icio.us | digg | NewsVine | Reddit | YahooMyWeb Sunday, May 18, 20088:36 PManother ride?!? 2 in one day?yes! i'm using the bike as a commute vehicle again. To Sioux's place and back, with a little extra. wow! i put in 13 miles again today. that wasn't much work at all. :) Permalink | Share this posting : Care2 News | del.icio.us | digg | NewsVine | Reddit | YahooMyWeb 9:27 AMyippie!3:30 am. can't sleep. watch a movie. still can't sleep. 5:45, i decide to go for a ride. Bay to Breakers is today... No problem, i can ride past the mess of traffic and ride around it. I'm geared up with my warmest stuff... 53 degrees outside and foggy and overcast. a typical pre-sunrise moment in SF to be sure. Yippie! i get on the bike and whoo hoo! i feel good. i'm so glad i'm riding. maybe i'll do 30 miles today. i can try. it's early. i can still get back in time to go out dancing with Atreyu. I'll take the hard route in the beginning -- doing a few hills, including 2 the map indicates as 10-18%. 5 miles in and i'm feeling good, on the straightaway of the Embarcaderro. I love this part of the ride. up on the sidewalk... woah! what's going on...? Oh NO! i have a flat! Hmmm... I've never changed a flat before. digging in my bag under my seat, i pull out the requisite tools... remembering my father fixing the flats in our tires as a child and thinking back to how he did things as best i could -- grateful for my super detailed memory of things -- 45 minutes later, the tube had been replaced. pumping 120 pounds with the little hand pump was simply not happening, so... i went back home. at 9 am, i'm. well, at least i put in 6+ miles and now i know how to change a flat! Permalink | Share this posting : Care2 News | del.icio.us | digg | NewsVine | Reddit | YahooMyWeb Saturday, May 17, 20088:12 PMyup......still avoiding the bike... Permalink | Share this posting : Care2 News | del.icio.us | digg | NewsVine | Reddit | YahooMyWeb Friday, May 16, 200810:30 AMi'm avoiding the bikei don't want to get on the bike. I need to, i know... i simply don't want to. Permalink | Share this posting : Care2 News | del.icio.us | digg | NewsVine | Reddit | YahooMyWeb Wednesday, May 14, 200811:22 PMyeah! i commuted with my bikesadly, the commuting represents my 3rd longest ride to date... but the good news is i put on 13.4 miles doing my things around town. wow! today was the first day i did a night ride -- back from the Temple to my home after helping Kendra light fire for the first time. The accomplishment is profound though -- i actually achieved my goal of using my bike for commuting. it was hard to get through the blocks, but i did it. i went to meet Sioux, back home, then to the Temple, then to ASF, then back to the Temple and then back home. I had no idea it would be so many miles. the riding was easy. So glad i did that 58 mile ride. it changed my relationship to my bike! Permalink | Share this posting : Care2 News | del.icio.us | digg | NewsVine | Reddit | YahooMyWeb Monday, May 12, 20084:16 PMOkay, it's just a numbers gameIt's okay. i just need to get on the bike. Today is a 23.4 mile ride through the presidio and golden gate park. it wasn't so bad really... not nearly so bad as the 58 miles i did the other day... Permalink | Share this posting : Care2 News | del.icio.us | digg | NewsVine | Reddit | YahooMyWeb Saturday, May 10, 20089:54 PMthe hardest thing i have ever done, physically, to dateMikey is leaving today. I'm up early, Mike and Atreyu went out dancing last night so they are both lagging since they came home at 4:30 am and we're supposed to leave for the airport at 6:45. Realizing i was risking missing the ride, i decided to catch the BART from SF to the east bay rather than have Atreyu drop me off on his way back from dropping Mike at the airport. Not the way i wanted to see Mike off... and still, the training had to happen. getting on the bike, on a cool spring morning at 7:30 am, i rode down to the bart station, excited about the adventure of the day. Definitely nervous. I mean, my longest ride was only 12.2 miles at that point. i barely understood how to shift my gears and i'd dropped my chain just a few days earlier on a hill while riding. not to worry. i meditated on the train, thinking of Adam C. and all the ways he and his practice have encouraged me in my journey. I thought of the funds people gave me. I thought of the fact that this was the reason i was doing the ride -- for the challenge. pulling into the pittsburgh/baypoint stop at the end of the line, i got off the train and looked at all the other riders around me. "wow... am i a biker?" clueless and unsure, i found my way to the pack where i was greeted by Dan and his brother in law Paul, two great guys that actually made it easy on me. Dan was the ride leader and his brother-in-law was so friendly and supportive, i immediately felt like i could do it and things would be great. safety lecture, comments... a quick show of hands about experience and a joking question, "anyone's first training ride?" lots of scoffs from the group and me timidly raising my hand to say, "yeah..." people looking at me funny as if i was joking... me saying, "yeah, i'm serious." off we go. riding through the streets. it's really different in a pack of 25. we head off... we're zipping along. 17 MPH... 22... OMG,i'm going 27 MPH... holy geez... i'm over 30 MPH. i didn't think that was possible, but with these little rolling hills, suddenly i am in a different place. the pack has definitely separated out. I'm at the end of the front of the pack. i realize quickly stopping is the enemy and less efficient. i value efficiency -- so i slow down rather than coming to complete halts. uncertain of how long it takes to stop, i slow early and, as a result, find myself losing the lead pack. we're on main roads. What did Dan say about where we were supposed to turn? Hmmm... i have a feeling i just missed the turn. stop, check the cue sheet... yup, i'm a half mile off... turn around, go back, catch up... yeah... nice work. i pull in and everyone's super supportive. Especially Liz. Wow -- another beautiful being on a journey of body discovery. Our stories are similar. we leave the 18 mile rest stop, i'm feeling good. off we go to the half way point at the dam. up and down... rollers they call them... short little hills that aren't really that steep, but there's lots of them in a row. i realize how important conserving momentum is and shifting. Damn, my thumbs hurt. geez... when will i feel more comfortable on the hills? Make mental note: get brakes on the straight part of the handle bar. finally make it in to the half way point. lots of conversation, support. talk about electrolytes. What? electrolytes? i just drank a gallon of water, what are you talking about? Oh... salt? sugar? hmmm... okay, if you say so. Wow, i'm so glad they said so. i already clocked 29 miles of riding for the day... my longest ride ever. wow. i feel great. i'm tired. i'm happy. i'm realizing my whole idea about training is absolutely nuts and i need to rethink my strategy. I need more rides and miles than i thought. no problem, i can do it. we head out, going back to the starbucks. I'm slower than everyone else, but i get there, and still, surprisingly, after 44 miles, feeling pretty good. we start off again. lots of start and stop on the main road. i'm grateful for it. my quads are starting to get super sore. woah. only 48 miles. keep pushing. wow. small hills. only 50 miles? how am i ever going to do this? what am i thinking? 51 miles? stopping. have to breath. my god i didn't know my legs could be this sore from such a simple thing. 5.4 mph riding? what is my problem? only one rider behind me... except the other ride leader John. I think i can make it... there's only a few more miles to get to the BART station... we take a rest. Dan comes back... saying he'll get his van to pick up the other rider and John. He and I take off. small hill -- i can do it... geez... only 53 miles? I stop at the next hill, realizing i am literally out of energy. oh geez. thanks Liz for those shot blocks (pure carbs)... i had just hit my wall. i walk the bike up the hill. a small hill. i climbed bigger ones that day, but it was really too much for me in that moment. we're only 2 miles from the BART Dan says. he's encouraging me, telling me how good a job i did, reminding me that every thing i ride now is a personal record for me. renewed will... i get on the bike for the final push... lord, i wonder if i can make it... pumping an average of 6.5 MPH, crying as i do it, i finally make it over the hill... i'm shaking. wow. what did i just do? Dan gives me carbs... Paul congratulates me... Liz yells to me from the car, let's be tentmates -- yeah! i'm so glad i found her! I BART home... crying most of the way. text page Mikey, still stuck in DC on his way home... i'm glad he gave me the pep talk he did. i wonder... how am i ever going to do this? absolutely the hardest thing i've ever done physically... so far. I get off the bart, feeling a little better... and get back on the bike to ride it home. so glad that last bit of the miles i put on today are basically downhill. My ass is sore. so glad to be in Atreyu's arms... holding me as i describe the whole thing, crying, shaking, sunburned, worn, raw... and proud of an unbelievable accomplishment i would never have though i could do 10 years ago... hell, 10 days ago. Permalink | Share this posting : Care2 News | del.icio.us | digg | NewsVine | Reddit | YahooMyWeb Friday, May 9, 200811:51 PMdecision making timeon or about the 9th of may, i realized i had to reach my financial goals by the 16th of may if i didn't want to have to stand in line during orientation. with $770 to raise, the question became, how dedicated to this was I? I realized immediately i was not willing to fund it all out of my own pocket, so i needed to raise money. In just a few short days, friends and family alike poured support into my world and i had reached over $2600 in funds raised by the 16th, exceeding the required $2500 to participate. Because i raised over $500 in less than 48 hours, i knew going into the weekend i was likely to meet my goals, which gave me hope as i began the 56 mile trek in the east bay. Permalink | Share this posting : Care2 News | del.icio.us | digg | NewsVine | Reddit | YahooMyWeb 5:17 AMnightmare!i had a horrible dream that i couldn't find a tent mate... then i got stuck with a stranger. the stranger had an air mattress that they used, full queen size thing. it filled most of the tent. so there i was in the tent squished on my side between the air mattress and the side of the tent... then i woke up in a cold sweat. geez... is this going to be my fate? I need to find a tent mate... Permalink | Share this posting : Care2 News | del.icio.us | digg | NewsVine | Reddit | YahooMyWeb Thursday, May 8, 20083:32 AMsumming up my goalswhen i first conceived of doing this ride, apart from the obvious community service aspects, it was for the following reasons on a personal level:
that was in September when i got back from japan. cross training began. i was pretty dedicated until new year's -- holidays and then the impending launch of PoiGeek as well as the Temple of PoiGeek 2008 Fire Dancing Expo and i found myself not just avoiding the bike, but avoiding training like i had been in the fall. in the fall i had maintained a workout schedule averaging 8 25+ minute aerobic workouts a week for about 12 weeks, then took a dip down to an average of 4-6 a week. come 2008, i was maintaining about 3-6, but as march and then april approached, i simply wasn't working out. At some point in there, Sean, my business partner, assuaged some of my concerns about the training, suggesting to a naive me that i could train after the launch of the company (April 26) and I'd have a solid month to do it. Well, Atreyu came back from Bali (early March), my birthday happened (march 23), we discussed getting into partnership (end of march/early april), he asked me to hand fast with him and moved in (2nd week of April), Mikey Icon came to stay with us (April 12), we worked on Mikey's DVD for PoiGeek (mid april), did a gig with Mikey that was a complete cluster f%*#k (april 19), prepared for the fire dancing expo and launch (April 26), had a national dance week event (april 27), prepared for the handfasting ceremony which then happened (may 1), went to FireDrums (first weekend of may) and then finally took a day or two off around may 7. Hmmm... with the ride less than a month away, I pretty much freaked out. Looking over the training rides, i found one that was a category 3 ride (12-15 MPH avg speed) on really easy terrain (level 1 (of 4)) and thought -- this is a good idea. So, there i was, may 8, riding around SF, doing 9 mile rides, prepping for the ride on may 10 which was 56 miles. Permalink | Share this posting : Care2 News | del.icio.us | digg | NewsVine | Reddit | YahooMyWeb Wednesday, April 16, 200811:29 PMwhat am i, crazy?really, i'm not sure there is more to say. Permalink | Share this posting : Care2 News | del.icio.us | digg | NewsVine | Reddit | YahooMyWeb |
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